5 Things To Never Ask Same-Sex Parents
A helpful hint for our allies about LGBQ families
June 2021
Amendment: This was originally written as a partnership with a company who are no longer involved. I’ve edited the text accordingly.
To celebrate Pride month, a nappy company asked me to write a post for them about families with same-sex parents. How could I pass up an opportunity to help educate and recruit some new allies?
Here're 5 things you should never ask same-sex LGBTQ parents!
1 "How did you do it?”
Intimate details about the conception or birth of any parent's children is private. No parent needs to explain or justify how they came to be parents.
Unconditional love, support and nurture are the building blocks of good parenting - it doesn't matter who jizzed into a cup or who turkey basted who.
If you're a close friend they've probably shared that information with you already. If not, as Mama Ru herself would say "I don't see how that's any of your damn business?"
2 "Who’s the mummy and who’s the daddy?”
Trying to put LGBTQ+ people into heteronormative roles is never cute - regardless of whether they're parents or not. For example, two male-presenting people who identify as men are both father-figures.
Asking "Who's the mum?" is rude. That suggests that they can only be successful parents if they assume hetero roles. If you ask, expect their eyes to roll so far back that they can see the exit behind them.
Same-sex parents will probably find alternative names for each other just for clarity after all, there are so many to choose from! Mum, Mummy, Ma, Mother, Dad, Daddy, Father, Pa, Papa and so many more. Maybe one mother is German and the other English? Mama & Mum.
Don't worry - they've got this. 👌🏽
3 “But which one of you is the real parent?”
This has got to be the WORST thing you can say to same-sex LGBTQ parents. Just like with different-sex parents who adopt, it might be the case that neither parent is biologically linked to the child. Having different DNA doesn't make them less qualified to be parents.
Asking this question will likely make one or both of the parents feel humiliated and as though they are not enough. If the parents decide to tell you of their own accord at some point in your friendship, that's up to them, but if not, don't ask and don't worry yourself - that child is being showered with love and that's all that matters.
Also they might BOTH be their biological parents! One (or both) parents could be trans. The contents of their underwear is none of our business.
Just respect their parenthood, like you would with anyone else, and chill. 😎
4 "Isn’t it a shame that they don’t have a…?”
Having two mums or two dads doesn't mean there's anything missing from their family.
Single parents have shown us that it doesn't matter how many parents you have or what gender they are - unconditional love is all that matters.
It’s the same with orientation. Who they like to have romantic or sexual relationships with doesn't affect their parenting skills and honestly, it's none of our business. Let's all just smile and celebrate that their child is lucky enough to be loved by two parents.
5 “Aren’t you worried that they’ll grow up gay?”
Here's hoping!
But really, having same-sex parents doesn't mean their child is more likely to be LGBTQ+. It's absolutely possible however that their children will grow up in a safe, supportive and open enough environment that if they are LGBTQ+ they'll be a lot more comfortable with telling their parents about it. What a lucky kid! ❤️
Spread love, not hate
So, there you have it! 5 of the most annoying phrases same-sex LGBTQ parents hate to hear and how to avoid them.
Everyone is entitled to their happy-ever-after no matter how they identify themselves, and what their family structure looks like. It's up to each and every one of us to normalise inclusion, diversity and equality. Spread love not hate.
